Monday, November 21, 2022

Again

 With blunt fingers nimble as anything
he builds and maintains and loves.
His hands are a tally of scars--
here he cut his palm and
there a nail tore the skin--
count them and tell the litany of his days.

What do they hold, these capable hands?
Babies and bibles and birdhouses and my hands 
when he makes me fly.

Again, Daddy!

A flat black pencil marks the cut on the board
he lets me hold with my little hands.
His fingers close over my little feet
and lift me up up up

Again, Daddy!

His hands are warm, callused, gentle, big.
Sometimes they give a shake--pay attention!
Or cage my head in rough affection to kiss my forehead.
Sometimes they are dirty and smell of crude
or sawdust or horses or all three and Lava soap, too.
He holds my hands around the stick
so I can burn the marshmallow without losing it in the fire.

When the days march on as days will do,
he opens his hands to let me fly free.
Leaves them open in case he needs to
catch me.

Now his hands are often idle
or clasped in prayer.
They tremble, fragile as onionskin,
the years in flesh so quick to bruise.
His hands hold the history of him,
of love and life and daughters,
of breaths taken and released
and counted down to the last.

They hold my heart and they alone
recall the shape of my baby skull
when it lay cupped in his hand.

Again, Daddy.

Friday, November 18, 2022

Where's the kaboom? There was supposed to be an earthshattering KABOOM!

I expected a bang
(I wanted a bang)
and dreaded a whimper.
I expected triumph
(I wanted triumph)
but I'm in a conference room
and there are clients in the lobby
right outside.

I took a moment
(I wanted that moment)
to change my name on Facebook.
There's a kind of triumph
(Remember, I wanted triumph)
in that action, but it was just...
less than.

This is the way my marriage ends:
Not with a bang
(I WANTED MY GODDAMN BANG)
or a whimper,
but with the click
of a pen
on the other end
of a three-way Zoom call.

(You have left the meeting)

Trauma, the Poet

If I could make my trauma
write its own poem,
it would be a viper
with hissing (sssstupid)
and hushing (bitchsshhhh)
and fangs made of hard word ends
(fat shit).
It would be a viper.

Or a constrictor
squeezing my chest,
aching my bones,
knotting my stomach
so I can't eat.
Writhing and twisting my words,
turning me wrong.
It would definitely be a constrictor.

But this is Michigan.
It's probably a blue racer.
It won't bite hard
but it chases me,
keeps me running,
always wary
waiting
wondering
what will happen
when it catches me?
It's totally a blue racer.

Trouble is,
snakes don't have hands.
Their words stay in their heads
and they can't write poems.
Neither can trauma.

Lucky me.

Liminal Space #1--A Poem with Photos

 

Where am I if I am here?


Toes in the break of wave
heels in the sand.
Am I in-lake or on-land?
 
Just here,
where rockhounds revere to tread,

I am between.



The land is not stable underfoot.
The lake rushes to take it away
and then drops it overfoot
when it returns.
 
I am home.

I am alive.


While the lake roots me
and the rock I reached for rolls away,
I am myself.
 

Maybe I have sat too long musing
while the rocks speak tumble-rhymes underwave
to make me wonder what they’re saying.


Welcome to Flying Icarus!

 Hi there!

I'm a writer recovering from an very long, emotionally abusive marriage. I've left and gotten divorced and now I'm working through all the detritus left behind. I have anxiety storms and days when I don't believe there's anything good about me. I have self-harmed and been suicidal. I might have PTSD. I know the dark.

As part of my healing journey, I've joined a writer's group where I live in Grand Rapids, MI, and rediscovered the poetry that lives inside my head. I always believed I wasn't a poet, but now the precision and compactness of poetry suits me and I'm writing it like never before. I want to share it. I need to share it.

Most of it relates to things about me. My return to Michigan, where I grew up, seen through the lens of my experiences and my long absence from this place that I finally realize matters deeply. I am rediscovering my connection to the land, the forests, the beaches and, above all, my Great Lakes. I am learning why Lake Michigan and Lake Superior matter so much to me and who I am now, with the infliction of trauma behind me. Some of it will be about my children, my two daughters and my son, all of them in their 20s and supportive of my journey. I love you, guys!

Come along with me. Discover my Michigan. Put your toes in the water. 

It might be cold, but it is life.

Thoughts on a Powwow

Thoughts on a Powwow Viking chants have hard edges sharp drums suited for longships with the heads of dragons. They have no place ...